


and i know there was a time before, but i cannot bring it to mind

by quirkdog



Series: can i tell you how i'm feeling? [3]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, mostly told in flashback form, rated m because it's not like super explicit but i wouldn't read it to my mom either you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirkdog/pseuds/quirkdog
Summary: troy looks back over his relationship with abed over the past three years.(again, this should work pretty much fine on its own as well as a part of this series.)
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Series: can i tell you how i'm feeling? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820587
Comments: 10
Kudos: 87





	and i know there was a time before, but i cannot bring it to mind

**Author's Note:**

> and we're back! this was supposed to be much shorter but it got away from me a little bit. whoops
> 
> title, as always, comes from strangers by josh ritter.

It’s a Monday afternoon in July, and Troy and Abed are crammed together on the bottom bunk of their bed, lazing in comfortable silence. Troy is resting his head on Abed’s chest, and Abed is slowly massaging Troy’s scalp—Troy’s been surprised at how tactile Abed’s been since they started dating, considering how wary he generally is of other people touching him (although maybe he shouldn’t be, if Troy thinks about it he’s always been the exception to the rule), and he feels lucky that he gets to see a side of Abed that no one else does. He was afraid that there might be some awkwardness with the sudden change in their relationship, but the past two months have felt as comfortable and as natural as always. Not to mention the sex, which has been mind-blowingly amazing. Troy had thought that he was good in bed, but Abed has shown him things that he never would have dreamed of. The man is a sex _god_.

“What are you thinking about?” Abed asks, and Troy realizes that he’s got that dopey smile on his face that he gets whenever he thinks about Abed. He cranes his neck to look at him and feels his smile widen.

“You,” he says. “Us.”

Abed’s eyes soften and his mouth turns up at the corner. “Me too,” he replies.

“I still can’t believe it,” Troy says. “This is _awesome_. Why didn’t we do this sooner?”

He’s not really expecting an answer, but Abed gives one anyway. “Because you thought you were straight until a few months ago, which wasn’t really conducive to us being in a relationship.”

“Oh,” Troy says. “Yeah.” There’s a minute of silence before he speaks up again. “When did you know? That you wanted...” He trails off, not sure of how to finish the question.

Abed thinks for a bit before answering. “I thought you were attractive the first time I saw you in Spanish class, but I don’t think I actually developed feelings for you until we had already been friends for a few months. For a while I didn’t know whether what I was feeling was just friendship or something else, since I didn’t have a point of reference for close friendships. But you were different from everyone else. Most people want to change me. They think they need to help me. You don’t try to change me, though. You accepted me for who I am, even back then. No one’s ever done that before.”

Troy doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he just reaches up and takes one of Abed’s hands tightly in his own, squeezing it to wordlessly convey everything he’s feeling, _I’m sorry_ and _please never change_ and especially _I love you_. Abed must understand, because he squeezes back gently. “When did you know?” He asks.

Troy’s caught off guard, he wasn’t expecting his own question to be reflected back at him. He’s ready to say that it was the night Abed came home from the hospital and they watched Star Wars together, but something stops him. It’s more complicated than that. That had been the night that he let himself realize it, but he thinks that he might have known before that. He thinks that he might have always known.

~~

_September 2009_

_Troy is packing his stuff up after Spanish class when the lanky kid who sits two rows in front of him walks up to his desk._

_“Uh,” Troy says, “can I help you?”_

_“You’re Troy, right?” He sticks his hand out in front of him. “I’m Abed.” Troy doesn’t shake his hand, and he pulls it back and keeps talking. “Britta said that Jeff is starting a study group for Spanish. Do you want to join?”_

_Troy doesn’t know who Britta or Jeff are, and something about the question rubs him the wrong way. He feels himself getting defensive. “What, do you think I’m stupid or something?”_

_The kid tilts his head to the side and furrows his brow. “No,” he says, and Troy can tell he’s serious. He doesn’t seem like he’s trying to make fun of Troy—he kind of seems too simple to be able to make fun of anyone. If Troy’s being honest, he seems like the kind of person that Troy and his friends would have been making fun of back in high school. But he isn’t in high school anymore, and he sort of feels weirdly protective of this kid. Troy’s seen the way he talks and acts, he’s obviously an easy target. Besides, Troy could actually use some help with Spanish. They’ve only been in class a week and it’s already kicking his ass. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea._

_“Okay,” he sighs. “Sure. I’ll join.”_

_The kid (_ Abed, _Troy thinks he said his name was) nods at him. “Cool. Britta says we’re meeting in Study Room F in the library at 4.” He shoots Troy a finger gun and starts walking toward the old guy that sits in the back. Troy shakes his head, but he can’t help the small smile that creeps onto his face. His parents have been telling him that he needs to make friends at college, after all._

~~

_October 2009_

_Long after everyone else has left Annie’s Day of the Dead party, Troy and Abed are sitting in a corner of the library, eating candy corn and chatting aimlessly. Troy’s going on about all the things that he thinks about a lot but would normally never say out loud, the kind of stuff that would make someone like Jeff roll their eyes and tell him to grow up. Abed doesn’t do that though, he just listens thoughtfully and adds his own opinions whenever Troy pauses._

_“It’s cool to know other people think about this stuff, too,” Troy says. He’s using his Batman voice, but he’s being completely sincere. He doesn’t think he’s ever been as comfortable around anyone as he is with Abed. They’ve only known each other for a couple of months, but he already feels like he’s opened up to him in a way that he never has with anyone else._

_“Yeah,” Abed agrees, smiling at him (Troy doesn’t understand how people can call Abed emotionless or robotic, once he learned how to read him he realized that Abed is one of the most expressive people he knows). Troy hands him the bag of candy corn, and their fingers brush as Abed takes it from him. For some reason, he thinks about it for the rest of the night._

~~

_February 2010_

_They’re in Abed’s dorm room, and Troy is laying on top of Abed in his bed wearing nothing but his Kickpuncher mask and his underwear and wondering how he got himself into this situation (he knows how; he and Abed wanted to make a Kickpuncher homage film and Britta wasn’t available to play the heroine, so Abed offered to step in. He realizes that they could have cut the sex scene when they found out Britta couldn’t do it, but both of them had agreed that they wouldn’t compromise their artistic vision for any reason. That doesn’t make this any less weird, though). Abed is in a cheap wig and smeared lipstick, and by all accounts it shouldn’t look good, but it kind of…does? That’s a weird thought to have about your best friend, though, so Troy does his best to push it out of his mind._

_The camera is rolling and Troy is pretending to thrust into Abed and the whole thing feels very ridiculous, until suddenly it doesn’t. Abed is getting_ very _into the scene, writhing and moaning, and Troy has to admit to himself that he looks really good like that. His mind starts to wander, and he finds himself wondering what it would feel like if their places were switched, if it was Troy lying on the bed with Abed over him, thrusting—uh, pretending to thrust, that is—into him. He realizes that he’s stopped moving and that Abed is giving him an odd look and that he’s quickly getting hard, and he needs to remove himself from this situation before he does something really embarrassing._

_He scrambles off of the bed and stands facing the door, his cheeks burning. He hears Abed sit up behind him, but he refuses to turn around. He really doesn’t think he can look at him right now._

_“What’s wrong?” Abed asks, like what they’d just been doing was totally normal._

_“Uh, that should, um, be enough, right? Um, footage. For the scene?” Troy stutters, cringing at how high his voice sounds. “I have to go to the bathroom.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before bolting to the door._

_He knows there’s a chance that someone might see him in the hallway, but he really doesn’t have any other choice right now. He makes a beeline for the communal bathroom and locks the door behind him, sitting down roughly on the toilet to finish himself off._

_It doesn’t take long at all._

_As he spills onto his hand, he reminds himself that he doesn’t like Abed like that. They’re just friends. And he’s straight. Obviously. It must have been the wig and the lipstick, he thinks. They must have confused his brain._

~~

_March 2010_

_Ever since they found that drawing in Troy’s textbook, the group has been trying to set Abed up with Jenny Adams, Troy included. Something about it isn’t sitting right with him, though—he thinks it might be that everyone thinks that Abed has to change himself in order to find someone willing to date him. His Don Draper impression is totally awesome, but Troy still thinks that the actual Abed is even better, and he doesn’t understand why the rest of the group doesn’t see that too. Anyone who doesn’t accept Abed as he is wouldn’t be worth his time, anyway._

_For some reason, he finds himself secretly sort of relieved when she chooses White Abed over Abed. She wouldn’t have been right for him, he thinks. Abed deserves better, he deserves someone who understands him like Troy does. A girl, obviously. Abed deserves someone who’s like Troy, but a girl. Because Abed likes girls._

~~

_May 2010_

_Troy doesn’t get why Abed doesn’t want to live with him. He’s been dropping hints all evening—which, to be fair, Abed isn’t always great at picking up on, but even when Troy asks him outright if he can move in with him, Abed refuses. He claims that they would be “jumping the shark,” whatever that means, and that if they move in together they’ll end up hating each other._

_Troy disagrees, though. They’ve been friends for the entire school year now, and they already spend almost all of their time together, and lately, Troy’s been crashing in Abed’s room more often than not anyway. He doesn’t understand what would be so different about him moving in officially. It wouldn’t be a big deal._

_Besides, he doesn’t think that living together would make him hate Abed. He doesn’t think that_ anything _could make him hate Abed. Abed is one of the coolest people he’s ever met, and he’s never once gotten sick of hanging out with him. Actually, if he thinks about it, he spends most of the time that he’s not with Abed wishing they were together. It stings that Abed doesn’t seem to feel the same way, though, that he can imagine a scenario where he ends up getting tired of being with Troy. Troy understands his need to set boundaries, but it still makes him feel like maybe their friendship isn’t as strong as he thought it was. Like maybe he needs Abed, but Abed doesn’t need him._

_That revelation surprises him, especially since a year ago he never would have admitted that sort of thing even to himself. He had been the guy who everyone loved, who everyone needed. He had never felt like anyone’s sidekick, like he wasn’t the main character of his own story. Being on the other side of that doesn’t feel great, but it’s not like he can do anything about it. He can’t force Abed to feel a certain way about him. He just has to accept that he was wrong about their relationship and move on._

~~

_October 2010_

_Abed is making a movie._

_He makes a lot of movies, but this one is different. This one is a whole big production where Abed is playing Jesus (and also himself and maybe also God? It’s kind of unclear), and he’s keeping his costume on and staying in character even when he isn’t filming. Troy thinks that this is the sort of thing that his parents would disapprove of, that it’s probably really blasphemous or something, but he thinks it’s cool. Also, Abed looks, like, really good in that costume—he’s got on leather pants and a mostly unbuttoned white shirt and a long, dark wig, and it would probably look ridiculous on anyone else, but Troy has to admit that he’s really pulling it off._

_This isn’t the first time that Troy has seen Abed’s body, and he knows that Abed has probably slept with more people than the rest of the study group combined, but he thinks that this is the first time he’s really realized how attractive his best friend is. He’s not sure how he never saw it before._

~~

_February 2011_

_Troy feels pretty good when Mariah chooses him as her date, but as they get to talking more he starts to get a weird vibe from her. She’s talking about Abed like a child, and the way she says she wouldn’t want to date him seems to imply that no one would. Troy can feel himself getting defensive, but he hates it when people talk about Abed like that. She clearly thinks that she’s too good for him, but Troy knows that it’s really the other way around, that Abed could have almost any girl he wants. If Mariah doesn’t see that, she doesn’t deserve him anyway._

_Troy has thought a fair amount about the future, and he’s always imagined himself and Abed continuing to live together along with their girlfriends or wives. That obviously won’t work if he starts dating someone who isn’t willing to accept Abed, so he politely excuses himself and goes to find him. He’d rather spend the evening with Abed than with Mariah, anyway._

_By the time he finds Abed out in the hallway, he’s had time to let himself think about everything she had said and work himself into a frenzy, ranting about how much he hates her._

_“What happened?” Abed asks._

_“She called you weird,” Troy says, and Abed looks unfazed._

_“I_ am _weird,” he responds simply. Troy knows that that’s true, but it’s still no reason to reject someone. If anything, Abed’s weirdness only makes him more awesome. He’s not afraid to be who he is and say exactly how he’s feeling, and Troy thinks that a lot of people could learn a few lessons from him. He’s not sure how to say that, though, so he tells Abed that_ she’s _the weird one for liking Nicholas Nickleby (whoever that is) and puts a hand gently on his shoulder._

_“There’s someone out there for us.”_

_Abed gives Troy a shy smile, and for a second it looks as if he’s going to say something but changes his mind. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he says softly._

_“It is now,” Troy replies, and pulls Abed in for a hug. Mariah walks by them, but Troy does his best to ignore her. They stay like that for a while, holding each other and swaying to the faint music coming from the cafeteria._

__Yeah, _he thinks,_ this is much better than dancing with some girl.

~~

_March 2011_

_Abed’s birthday is not turning out the way they planned, and it’s kind of putting Troy on edge. He had already been on edge, actually, because Jeff organized this awesome surprise party and got Abed this super secret and mysterious and apparently also awesome gift and he doesn’t know how he can compete with that (he knows that friendship isn’t supposed to be a competition, but he can’t help but feel that it is, and that he’s losing right now), but now he’s even_ more _on edge because Abed is apparently blowing off his own surprise party to have dinner alone with Jeff at a fancy restaurant._

_Troy doesn’t typically consider himself the jealous type, but he’s always considered it a point of pride that he is Abed’s best friend. Now, though, he’s starting to doubt his importance in Abed’s life. What if he decides that he likes Jeff better than Troy and wants to start hanging out with him instead? Has Troy not been a good enough friend, and now Abed feels like he needs to replace him?_

_He feels really bad when he accidentally sets the briefcase on fire (he does, honestly), but a small part of him is also a little bit relieved. Maybe now he’ll be able to compete with Jeff, show Abed that he’s a better friend without Abed getting distracted by flashy and expensive gifts._

_After everything is over, Abed tells Troy that he had been trying to do a movie homage with Jeff because he didn’t know how else to connect with him. Troy understands, and it makes him feel a little guilty for freaking out, but he still wishes that Abed had told him beforehand so he wouldn’t have to worry. And when Abed invites Troy back to the restaurant to have dinner as just the two of them the next week, he feels the jealous knot in his stomach start to unfurl._

~~

_May 2011_

_Their paintball game has turned from a Western thing into more of a Star Wars thing, and Abed is playing Han Solo. Troy thinks it’s really cool, especially because Han has always been his favorite character. Also, Abed looks surprisingly good in the vest that he got from Starburns. Actually, Troy thinks, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Abed wear anything that he_ doesn’t _look good in._

_~~_

_October 2011_

_Their housewarming party goes well (apart from the slight snag with the die and the alternate timelines), and Troy is having a really good time with the rest of the group. It’s really starting to sink in that he and Abed are finally, officially living together, and it makes him feel grown up in a way that he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before._

_While they’re waiting for Jeff to get the pizza, Annie makes a comment about how nice their place is, and Abed immediately suggests that she move in with them, which is not something that Troy had been prepared for. Obviously Annie is one of his closest friends and he loves her like family, but Abed hadn’t even consulted Troy before asking her to move in, and that hurts a little. This is their apartment, after all, they’re paying for it together, and he had assumed that they would be making any apartment-related decisions together. Abed obviously doesn’t feel the same way, though._

_Also, Troy had been really excited that this apartment was going to be for just the two of them, that it was going to be a Troy and Abed thing. What if Annie throws off their dynamic? What if—what if Abed was so quick to invite her to live with them because he doesn’t want to live alone with Troy? He’s been hesitant to move in with him before, does he still think they might be jumping the shark? Troy had thought that they’d moved past that, but maybe he they haven’t. Well, at least, maybe Abed hasn’t. Troy has been ready to live with him since freshman year. He hates not knowing where he stands with him, and he wishes that they could have at least talked about Annie moving in first._

_He’s not a monster, though, so he smiles and agrees with Abed, invites Annie to live with them. It’s too late to worry about it now. Besides, she probably won’t move in right away. They’ll have at least a few weeks to have the apartment to themselves._

_~~_

_November 2011_

_Troy has just been given the opportunity of a lifetime—two of them, actually—and he’s not sure what to do. His first instinct is to talk to Abed about it, so he goes to look for him._

_He finds him standing alone at a table at Pierce’s Gay Bash in the cafeteria. At first he tells him to be Troy so that he won’t technically be talking to someone else about his situation, but he realizes pretty quickly that it isn’t working, so he decides to just talk to Abed as Abed instead. Besides, talking to Abed is pretty much almost the same thing as talking to himself anyway. He tells Abed everything._

_Abed doesn’t have a strong opinion on the question of plumbing versus air conditioning. He tells Troy that he should do whatever makes him happy, which Troy thinks is actually a really smart way of looking at it. After he thinks about it, he tells Abed the truth, that what would really make him happy would be to watch TV with his best friend._

_In the end, that’s exactly what he does._

_~~_

_March 2012_

_Abed looks, like, really good in a dress._

_~~_

_April 2012_

_Annie has taken it upon herself to set Troy and Britta up on a date, so they’re at Señor Kevin’s having lunch. It’s kind of awkward, he doesn’t really have feelings for Britta that extend beyond friendship, but he didn’t want to be rude to her or to Annie so he had agreed to come anyway. It’s also the first time in recent memory that he hasn’t had lunch with Abed (possibly since they moved in together, he’s not totally sure), and it’s kind of a weird change. As he’s chatting with Britta, his thoughts keep wandering back to Abed, how he’s doing, what he and Annie are up to in the Dreamatorium. He knows he’s probably being rude, but he can’t really help but worry. He knows Abed doesn’t always do well with abrupt changes of plan, and by the time they’ve been waiting for their food for half an hour he gives up all pretense and calls Annie to check on him. She reassures him that Abed is fine, that he worries too much, but Troy knows how sensitive he can get in the Dreamatorium, and Annie’s never used it before. She doesn’t know Abed like Troy does, she might do something that sets him off. He does his best to put it out of his mind for the rest of lunch, but he can’t quite let it go completely._

_The date (if he can honestly even call it that) is nice. He and Britta don’t get that many opportunities to talk one on one, so they use it as a chance to catch up. At some point, Troy becomes aware that most of his stories about himself also involve Abed, but that can’t really be helped. They’re best friends_ and _they live together, it makes sense that they spend basically all of their time with each other. In the middle of telling Britta about Abed’s Harrison Ford impression, he catches a sad smile flash across her face. At first he’s not sure what it’s about—it’s definitely not a sad story—but then he realizes that she’s probably kind of jealous because she doesn’t have a best friend as awesome as Abed (he doesn’t blame her, he probably would be too if he were her). After that, he does his best to mention Abed less. It still happens occasionally, though—Troy doesn’t do all that much stuff on his own and all of his best stories involve Abed anyway. He hopes it doesn’t make Britta too sad._

_He finds that he actually has a pretty good time, he genuinely enjoys talking to Britta. He’s still really excited when it’s time to head back to school and see Abed, though._

_~~_

“ _Troy,_ ” Abed says, and Troy snaps back to reality. He realizes that he must have zoned out for a while, because Abed is eyeing him warily. “Did I break your brain?” 

Troy smiles and shakes his head. “Nah, I was just thinking about the question. It’s...complicated. I don’t think there’s really one answer." 

“Okay,” Abed says, and he seems satisfied with that. Troy’s grateful that he doesn’t have to explain more, he doesn’t think he has the words for it. He leans up to capture Abed’s mouth in a kiss, and Abed happily melts into it. 

As he lays in bed later that night, his thoughts keep returning to all of the missed opportunities from the past three years. Part of him is sad that he didn’t figure things out sooner, that he and Abed haven’t been doing this for as long as they could have. Most of him, though, is just happy that he gets it now, that he gets it at all. If this is the way things worked out to get him to this point, he doesn’t regret any of it. His life is perfect exactly the way it is. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'll probably keep returning to this series, but no promises for when. things tend to come up etc etc you know how it is.
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
